12 Group Activities I’d Rather Do Than Square Dance

…and I genuinely hate all of them.

1. Go to a group fitness class where the instructor screams “Who’s ready to SWEAT?!” while making unbroken eye contact 🧘‍♀️😳
   I’m not ready. I’ve never been ready. Please don’t shout while I jiggle.

2. Sing “Happy Birthday” to someone in a crowded restaurant and pretend to be happy about it 🎂😐
   Nothing bonds strangers like off-key harmony and dead-eyed clapping.

3. Sit in a hot tub with acquaintances and try to make small talk while slowly cooking like human soup ♨️👀
   “So…what do you do for work?” bubbles ominously

4. Go on a weekend camping trip with people who “don’t believe in bug spray” 🏕️🦟
   We came for nature. We left with 47 bites, no dignity, and a raccoon-related incident.

5. Play Cards Against Humanity with your parents and one overly competitive uncle 🃏💀
   Nothing like watching your dad laugh too hard at the phrase “moist dungeon” to ruin a holiday.

6. Attend a bachelorette party where no one knows each other but everyone has matching T-shirts 👯‍♀️🍾
   We are strangers united by glitter and vodka. And one awkward group text that will never die.

7. Do a “group cleanse” where everyone drinks celery sludge and talks about toxins they can’t define 🥬🚫
   “I feel so much lighter!”
   “Yes. Because we haven’t eaten food in 36 hours, Janet.”

8. Be trapped in a group Zoom trivia night that someone’s enthusiastic cousin won’t let end 💻📉
   “Okay, last question!”
   Three hours later: “Okay, this is the real last one…”

9. Go to a murder mystery dinner where you’re assigned a character that requires a fake accent 🕵️‍♂️🎭
   “You’ll be Sir Puddingbottom, the lactose-intolerant baron. Please commit to the bit.”

10. Join a drum circle on the beach where everyone is barefoot and one guy has too much eye contact 🪘👣
    “It’s about the vibration of the earth, man.”
    No. It’s about sand in places sand should not be.

11. Watch a friend’s 90-minute travel slideshow where they insist on narrating every photo 📸😴
    “This was the other gelato I had in Rome. It was slightly more pistachio than the first.”

12. Attend a community theater musical where your friend is in the chorus and you have to stay for the talkback🎭😬
    “Yes, I think your portrayal of 'Tree #3' really captured the emotional subtext of the second act.”

Conclusion:
Square dancing has its charms…if you're a colonial ghost or have a fondness for synchronized twirling.
But these? These are real social nightmares we’ve actually endured—and we'd still choose them over yelling “allemande left” in front of strangers.