🎣✨10 Things I’d Eat Before Sardines✨🎣
(No offense to the sardine stans. You are brave and mysterious and probably have excellent bone density.)
🥄 1. A Single Spoonful of Warm Mayonnaise
Lukewarm. Tangy. Suspiciously jiggly. Still...not fishy. ✅
🍌 2. A Banana Wrapped in American Cheese
You’ll question reality, but not your life choices as much. Bonus: it’s oddly creamy.
🧦 3. My Own Sock, Lightly Toasted
If it’s been through enough wash cycles, it’s basically just...fabric jerky, right? Right?? 😬
🪞 4. The Mystery Gel from a 1997 Hair Salon Sample
Blue, citrus-scented, and...vaguely edible (if you believe hard enough). Also makes your tongue spiky.
🍩 5. A Donut That’s Been to Space and Back
Vacuum-sealed, slightly moon-dusted, but delightfully stale with a hint of cosmic mystery. 🌌
🦷 6. The Tooth I Lost in 3rd Grade, Rediscovered in a Drawer
Crunchy? Yes. Morally questionable? Also yes. Still less fishy.
🧊 7. A Cube of Frozen Diet Soda with a Penny Trapped Inside
Fizz. Freeze. Finance. A snack and a small investment. 🥶💰
🌽 8. Corn That’s Still Emotionally Processing Its Time in the Field
Whispers at you while you chew: “We were happy once.” 🌽😢
🧃 9. A Capri Sun That Has Become Sentient and Fights Back
It squirts you in the eye. You drink it anyway. You win. 🥊
🦄 10. Glitter-Infused Cotton Candy from a Unicorn’s Retirement Party
Magical. Sparkly. Slight risk of spontaneous jazz hands. But far superior to fish cubes.
✨Bonus Round: Things I’d Still Choose Over Sardines (But Shouldn’t)✨
The flavor packet from instant noodles, raw and snorted
A half-melted string cheese fished out of a glove compartment
Jellybeans found loose in a coat pocket at a bowling alley
A suspiciously warm pickle from a movie theater concession stand
