🏔️ Grammar Hill I Will Die On: A Ranking of 14 Punctuation Marks

Because not all punctuation marks are created equal. Some are noble warriors of clarity, while others lurk in the shadows, waiting to confuse, annoy, or cause grammatical chaos. Here's my highly opinionated, emotionally charged, and absolutely final ranking of the punctuation pantheon.

1. The Em Dash (—)

The drama queen we need.
Elegant. Versatile. Has range. Can separate, connect, interrupt, and clarify. It’s the punctuation equivalent of walking into a room and flipping your cape over your shoulder—twice. Rose to popularity with the onset of AI.
Hill Status: Fortified with snacks and a thesaurus.

2. The Period (.)

Silent but deadly.
Understated, essential, and definitive. Doesn’t crave attention, just ends things cleanly. It’s the punctuation equivalent of a mic drop.
Hill Status: Stable, reliable, and probably holding up the whole mountain range.

3. The Comma (,)

Delicate dance partner or chaotic gremlin—depends on the day.
Lifesaver in lists. Breath-giver in long sentences. Serial comma? Yes, always. Misused constantly, but that’s not its fault.
Hill Status: Beautiful, but booby-trapped with Oxford comma debates.

4. The Semicolon (;)

Wants you to know it went to college.
The punctuation equivalent of someone who insists on using words like “therefore” in casual conversation. Desperately trying not to be replaced by a period.
Hill Status: Elegant, if slightly pretentious. I’ll die here in a turtleneck.

5. The Question Mark (?)

Rhetorical weapon and emoji workhorse.
Ends every email with an existential crisis when overused. In writing, it’s clear and effective. In texting, it can sound like you’re mad.
Hill Status: Tilted sideways, like my head when I read your text that just says “okay?”

6. The Exclamation Mark (!)

Excited! About! Everything!
One is enthusiasm. Two is concern. Three is unhinged. Be careful—this one goes feral fast.
Hill Status: Sparkly and unstable. Bring glitter. And caution.

7. The Colon (:)

Always setting things up.
Never the star, but a solid supporting character. It’s the drumroll before a list or dramatic reveal. And it knows it.
Hill Status: Straightforward. Probably wearing a utility belt.

8. The Parentheses ( )

(Muttered commentary, sarcasm, or bonus trivia.)
These whisper secrets inside sentences. They’re optional, but often delightful. When overused, your writing starts to sound like it's trying to whisper over itself.
Hill Status: Hidden behind the hill, making side comments.

9. The Apostrophe (’)

Possessive, contracted, and occasionally a gremlin.
Essential for clarity. Often abused. The “its/it’s” debacle alone has claimed more writers than any battle in history.
Hill Status: Strewn with corpses labeled “it's” when it should’ve been “its.”

10. The Quotation Marks (“ ”)

“Says who?” — These guys.
They do important work, but they’ve also been hijacked by sarcasm, air quotes, and confusing placement rules (looking at you, punctuation-inside-or-outside-quotation-mark wars).
Hill Status: In constant turf war with British punctuation placement rules.

11. The Ellipsis (…)

The eternal pause…but why…
Great for dramatic trailing thoughts…or ominous tension…but also the go-to for passive aggression in texts…
Hill Status: Slow decline…into ambiguity…

12. The Hyphen (-)

Holding it all together—barely.
It tries its best. It’s not an en dash. It’s not an em dash. It’s just…here. Doing what it can. Often confused, frequently forgotten.
Hill Status: A minor bump on the road to more interesting punctuation.

13. The Interrobang (‽)

What even is this‽
A lovable oddity. It screams “WHAT?!” but in a fun, confused, probably caffeinated way. Not accepted by most keyboards. Tragic.
Hill Status: Somewhere in a forgotten typewriter, yelling into the void.

14. The Slash (/)

Indecisive but efficient.
Friend/foe. Yes/no. He/him. It gets the job done, but rarely with elegance. Looks cooler in URLs than in prose.
Hill Status: Still trying to pick a side.

Feel free to disagree, but know this: I will absolutely defend the em dash with a dictionary in one hand and a stack of citation-studded essays in the other