🧺 13 Farmers Market Red Flags (Yes, Even There)

1. “Cash Only” but They Say It Like a Challenge 💸😬
   Bonus red flag: no sign, no heads-up, just a smirk when you pull out your card. Suddenly you're bartering with pocket lint and good intentions.

2. $19 for a Jar of Jam 🍓🤑
   Look, we support small biz… but if that berry spread doesn’t write sonnets and walk my dog, I’m gonna need to call the preserves police.

3. No Labels. Anywhere. 🔍
   “What kind of cheese is this?”
   “Oh, it’s just... cheese.”
   Sir, I require at least a vibe description.

4. Suspiciously Shiny Produce ✨🥬
   That apple gleams like it’s auditioning for a skincare commercial. You sure this came from a field and not an industrial wax bath?

5. "Locally Sourced"...From Three States Away 🗺️
   “Oh yeah, these peaches are local. Grew ‘em myself. In...Georgia.”
   Sir, this is Ohio.

6. Overly Aggressive Sample Guy 🍞🫨
   “Want a taste? No? Here, have three. Take this one too. Why are you walking away??”
   Now you're dodging eye contact and hiding behind a display of ethically harvested radishes.

7. Soap That Smells Like Trauma 🧼💀
   Handmade is lovely. But if your “forest breeze” bar makes me sneeze out my childhood, we have a problem.

8. Mystery Meat with No Cooler In Sight 🥩☀️
   It’s 87°F. That sausage has been basking in the sun like it’s on vacation. Do not trust it. Do not eat it. Do not look it in the eye.

9. Plants That Are Clearly Just Weeds in Fancy Pots 🌱🤨
   “It’s a rustic wildflower.”
   That’s dandelion, Barbara. From the sidewalk. You stuck it in a mason jar and charged $12.

10. “Artisanal Water” 💧🍶
    If you’re buying tap water that’s been “spiritually aligned with quartz,” you might just be funding someone’s crystal-fueled yacht.

11. A Goat in a Sweater (But the Goat Looks Uncomfortable) 🐐🧥😔
    Goats in clothes are adorable only if they’re into it. Consent matters—even in knitwear.

12. The “Healing Elixir” Guy Who Won’t Stop Talking 🔮🥤
    One sip and you'll live forever (or possibly get the runs). Hard to say.

13. The Vibe is Weirdly Competitive 🥬💪
    You pick up a tomato and the vendor next door yells, “Mine are redder.” Suddenly you’re in The Hunger Games: Organic Edition.

🚩 Honorable Mention:
Someone playing an ominous flute near the kale.
You don’t know why it unsettles you, but it does. You leave with arugula and a sense of unease.

Stay safe out there, veggie voyagers.
Trust your gut (and maybe double-check the goat cheese). 🧀🧃🧢